Now I understand

Since getting my diagnosis, I vowed to myself I would never be one of “those” patients that stopped taking medication. I heard the stories of people thinking they felt well and decided they didn’t need the drugs any longer. I took my medication without a thought for four years. 

Now things are changing.

I don’t see myself deviating from my vow to never stop, but the urge is there and strong. Every time I pop the pills or hear my alarm go off, I begrudgingly swallow them. I AM feeling better so why do I need pills? Why do I need doctors?

I like to think I’m different than other patients who stop, but I’m not. I’ve heard that patients want the high of mania and that is why they quit. The truth is, though, many others quit because they feel better. Just better, not manic. I see myself in that position.

I hate myself for everything right now.

I hate having bipolar. 

I hate taking medication. 

I hate the fact that I’m considering stopping that medication. Maybe not considering, just fantasizing. Maybe not fantasizing, just wishing. Are any of those worse than the other? I guess I feel they’re equal because I want to behave and still want to give them up.

Have you considered stopping your medication? How do you keep those urges away? Does the desire ever dissipate?
Please let me hear from you in the comments? I’m really needing to know I’m not alone on this.

Normal feels good

I’ve found my zen.

A new med has me feeling very good. Oh, not too good, mind you, just good. Normal. I’ve found my baseline! I do have a few anxious breakthrough, but that’s what a back up med is for. I wish this feeling for all my readers and friends that have bipolar disorder. 

being well

There seems to be a lot to say when I’m feeling bad. So why don’t I have a lot to say when I’m feeling good? I’m so accustom to not feeling good that I’m not sure how to live it anymore! Isn’t that bizarre? I DON’T REMEMBER HOW TO FEEL OK. It’s been such a long time, I’m not sure what to do with myself, short of trying to stay in the moment and (trying) to enjoy it.

Has anyone else found that feeling healthy is uncharted territory and you aren’t sure how to handle it?

Sabotage?

When I start to feel good, I wonder if I’m really feeling good. 

Is it real? Is it the beginnings of mania? Will it last? Am I just imagining that I feel good?

Nasty cycle.

Edit: I’m trying to not allow this to BE a cycle, but the thoughts do circle each other. It makes it very hard to enjoy being “well”- if that’s what this is.

Life has gone on

Life doesn’t stop for anything.

It’s been almost a month since I’ve made an entry. No excuses and I let myself down as well, because I feel like this blog is important to my own growth and learning. I’ve had few med changes and was doing ok for a few weeks. Then the insurance company and pharmacy conspired against me (not really but that’s how it felt) and I missed about seven days of my new med. That landed me in the hospital for four days.

A mental hospital is nothing like they are portrayed in the movies and on TV.  It feels safe most of the time and the group activities are very helpful if you put yourself out there. The people there are mostly normal with a bit of a setback in their lives. Those who are really in trouble also get the help they need.

This was my first visit in four years. It helped me. I’m back on schedule with my meds. The only problem is that both times I’ve discharged, I felt extremely fragile and delicate. I’ve had anxiety about leaving my house and driving. I feel very socially awkward. I don’t know how to make these feelings go away.

My new medication gives me akathisia, which is very uncomfortable. I try going outside, watching tv shows, I’ve even tried taking a walk (didn’t go very well with my need to stay in my house). Feeling like you constantly need to do something but not knowing what (add the addition of a bit of agoraphobia) makes life very unsettled. I sleep as late as I can in the morning to kill time. It’s not a great plan.

The question my pdoc will ask is if I need to go off the new stuff. Is the akathisia bad enough to change medications again? I don’t know the answer, I do know I’m very uncomfortable though. Is this side effect worth changing an antidepresson that seems to have helped me? 

Either way, I’ve been reminded that life marches on. The four days in the hospital will never be returned to me. The days I struggle with side effects do finally end around bedtime. 

This has been a bunch of rambling. My posts used to be lovely and used to have points. It has devolved into a type of therapy for me. I wish my thoughts weren’t so scattered. I used to have a beautiful mind. Not so much now, in my opinion at least. I prided myself on words, writing, a quick wit, being able to speak well. That’s all been affected by my disorder or the medications I take.

I’m tired. I’m medicated. I have new fears and phobias. I’m saddled with a mental disorder. Life goes on.

Ps. Not going to edit. It will be a reflection of how I’m functioning now.

In the Wind

Of anger and apathy

I think I’m angry because of my apathy.

I’ve stopped holding up the walls I hold so closely to myself, and that makes me angry because there are reason those walls are in place. However, at this time, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

To not care is sometimes just what the proverbial doctor orders. Apathy is better than mania or depression, although I’m sure there are those that would put apathy in the same category as depression. They are distinctly different for me, especially this time. Apathy is making me angry.

What am I really apathetic towards? My medication. My doctors. My life. I want to do away with the first two. I don’t want to keep my appointments that are scheduled for Wednesday and popping pills twice a day is REALLY getting old. I promised myself when I was first diagnosed that I would not be a bipolar who stopped taking the meds because I felt “good”. Yet, here I am, wanting to throw them all into the trash, and never swallow another in my life. Is it because I feel better? Maybe, if apathy equates better. 

I’m pissed off about all of it. On top of it, I have this feeling of impending doom. How am I feeling all of these things at once? And none of it is positive. Why can’t I have a day of happy thoughts and good goals and peaceful love? Damn this life.

I’m so angry and I don’t care.

In the Wind