I think I’m angry because of my apathy.
I’ve stopped holding up the walls I hold so closely to myself, and that makes me angry because there are reason those walls are in place. However, at this time, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.
To not care is sometimes just what the proverbial doctor orders. Apathy is better than mania or depression, although I’m sure there are those that would put apathy in the same category as depression. They are distinctly different for me, especially this time. Apathy is making me angry.
What am I really apathetic towards? My medication. My doctors. My life. I want to do away with the first two. I don’t want to keep my appointments that are scheduled for Wednesday and popping pills twice a day is REALLY getting old. I promised myself when I was first diagnosed that I would not be a bipolar who stopped taking the meds because I felt “good”. Yet, here I am, wanting to throw them all into the trash, and never swallow another in my life. Is it because I feel better? Maybe, if apathy equates better.
I’m pissed off about all of it. On top of it, I have this feeling of impending doom. How am I feeling all of these things at once? And none of it is positive. Why can’t I have a day of happy thoughts and good goals and peaceful love? Damn this life.
I’m so angry and I don’t care.
In the Wind