Of anger and apathy

I think I’m angry because of my apathy.

I’ve stopped holding up the walls I hold so closely to myself, and that makes me angry because there are reason those walls are in place. However, at this time, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

To not care is sometimes just what the proverbial doctor orders. Apathy is better than mania or depression, although I’m sure there are those that would put apathy in the same category as depression. They are distinctly different for me, especially this time. Apathy is making me angry.

What am I really apathetic towards? My medication. My doctors. My life. I want to do away with the first two. I don’t want to keep my appointments that are scheduled for Wednesday and popping pills twice a day is REALLY getting old. I promised myself when I was first diagnosed that I would not be a bipolar who stopped taking the meds because I felt “good”. Yet, here I am, wanting to throw them all into the trash, and never swallow another in my life. Is it because I feel better? Maybe, if apathy equates better. 

I’m pissed off about all of it. On top of it, I have this feeling of impending doom. How am I feeling all of these things at once? And none of it is positive. Why can’t I have a day of happy thoughts and good goals and peaceful love? Damn this life.

I’m so angry and I don’t care.

In the Wind

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Of anger and apathy

  1. …… 🙂 I’m smiling only because I know what you mean….. Yes it sucks that it’s possible to feel all those things at one time. The other side of all of this is that it is possible is that it will all go away for awhile very soon…. which sucks that there isn’t any promises… on the other hand…. it means that it probably won’t stay around forever…. I’m going to duck while you throw things at me. 🙂 Which is also ok……

    • No ducking required- I love how encouraging and positive you always are! It also feels comforting to know I’m not the only one dealing with such things. Thank you sincerely.

      • I’ve been doing it for a long time. The fighting the disease… when they say it goes in cycles they mean it. It sucks, but from the outside it’s a relief because there’s always that knowing that it really is going to settle down… idk. 🙂 feel better! !!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s