Now I understand

Since getting my diagnosis, I vowed to myself I would never be one of “those” patients that stopped taking medication. I heard the stories of people thinking they felt well and decided they didn’t need the drugs any longer. I took my medication without a thought for four years. 

Now things are changing.

I don’t see myself deviating from my vow to never stop, but the urge is there and strong. Every time I pop the pills or hear my alarm go off, I begrudgingly swallow them. I AM feeling better so why do I need pills? Why do I need doctors?

I like to think I’m different than other patients who stop, but I’m not. I’ve heard that patients want the high of mania and that is why they quit. The truth is, though, many others quit because they feel better. Just better, not manic. I see myself in that position.

I hate myself for everything right now.

I hate having bipolar. 

I hate taking medication. 

I hate the fact that I’m considering stopping that medication. Maybe not considering, just fantasizing. Maybe not fantasizing, just wishing. Are any of those worse than the other? I guess I feel they’re equal because I want to behave and still want to give them up.

Have you considered stopping your medication? How do you keep those urges away? Does the desire ever dissipate?
Please let me hear from you in the comments? I’m really needing to know I’m not alone on this.


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