Unsettled

I want to write, I need to write and I don’t know how. I don’t know what to say or how to pick a subject. My mind is racing, thoughts jumping from one item to another, never landing on one thing long enough to be helpful. This is so incredibly uncomfortable. A racing mind that won’t be distracted or busied with one singular task. I hate this. I want the day to be over, I want everything to go away. I would sleep but that is a vicious cycle that is hard to break.

It’s like I’m revved up and sick. I mean, I am sick, but I almost feel physically sick. I want this all to go away. I could take more meds, but again, a vicious cycle. I take the anti-anxiety just to calm down but then need to take it again when I feel too wired again. I’ve done well not to get hooked on those and don’t even want to tempt fate.

I’m sure people with bipolar often refer to being out of control. My thoughts and processes are out of control. I hate this. I hate feeling such a heavy burden of not know why I feel this way or when it will end. I want to to end now. It can’t be gone soon enough.

Maybe I should try to read. Or maybe I’ll just give in and take the anti-anxiety. I’m almost ready for anything that will give me relief.

Dear Shainie

Shainie was my best friend and she passed away August 30th, 2013.

Dear Shainie,

I miss you so much.

Aubrey emailed me today (WHAT???!!! Ikr!!). He’s found a place in Georgia and will be moving close to his family and even old school buddies. He says he’s going to type out the history of his last 47 years and pass them out so he doesn’t have to answer the same questions 400 times. He’s got such a sharp sense of humor. I miss him. I miss you and him together. I miss life before all of this.

I got my diagnosis 4 years ago. You were with me up until you left. The day I went into the psych hospital it was you on the phone with me as I walked in. Telling me everything would be ok and that this would help me, just let them help me get better. Your strength and encouragement and promise of being there every step of the way helped me walk through those doors.

Life before that all was so different. If I could back everything up, reverse time, I would go back to when I was working full time for you guys. Life was fun. Work hard, play hard and I did both and knew you guys and got to have you in my life. It really seems like a different life.

Back to Aubrey. So he closes on the sale of the house on the 10th. He asked me to change the email I use (he mentioned that it was still yours just that he would use the old one for junk mail and the new one for personal).

So he’s leaving the house. Changing emails. I need to be sure if he’s keeping the phone that I have listed under your name still. He’s even mentioned thinking about dating. I know life goes on, and I know he’s grieved in his way. Hell, you guys might have talked about such things, idk.

As for me, I’m stuck.

I miss you every day. I wish so much that the best relationship I’ve ever had had not been cut short by death. No one will ever take your place as the one person I came to for EVERYTHING. I told you everything and you gave me what I needed for every situation. Support, advice, an ass-whoppin’. It will never be the same with anyone else ever again. You were special and can never be replaced.

Part of our connection was your understanding of my depression specifically, my bipolar in general, and mental health care as a whole. God made us perfect partners and then He took you home. There is lacking in every current relationship I’m in with respect to my mental health issues. You knew it all. You knew.

I wish you were here. I miss you.

I’m not going to edit this or use any tags. I just needed to get a few things out.

A few days ago

The antidepressant was obviously a good idea. I’ve been sleeping way too much, eating way too much and have totally stopped exercising. I have no motivation. It’s almost scary. It IS scary for me- I’ve worked on losing weight since August.

I just want to be normal. Not manic or hypomanic or depressed. Just normal.

Here’s where I could launch into my lament about not knowing who I am after over 15 years of my life being ruled by undiagnosed bipolar. Alas, I haven’t the motivation.

So goodnight fellow bloggers.

In the Wind

Reporting in

I’ve hit a milestone!

Pdoc put me on an antidepressant because I’ve gotten a little down, which is a big deal fore since I’ve mostly been up too high for a long time now.

I’m not really excited, I’m being sarcastic.

Just another pill to take, more side effects to watch for, and the waiting game to see if this “works”.

I know a reason people with bipolar stop taking their meds. Damned if it isn’t exhausting.

So that’s all I have for tonight. Hope all you in the blogosphere are well.

Don’t forget to take your meds. 😀

In the Wind

Well

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been busy being well. I have had a few breakthrough anxiety and angry days but no where near what I was experiencing. I’ve clean myself up and have enjoyed life. Who knew?!?

There’s always a flip side but I’m trying to stay positive. I’m starting to experience side effects from my mood stabilizer. My antipsychotic has been a life saver, and I don’ know what pdoc will say when I visit on Tuesday. If the side effects are related to the med (which I had to increase because of anxiety), I think it’s a side effect that isn’t acceptable- it could cause permanent problems from what I’m reading.

I am not excited to possibly be changing meds- again. Like I said, continuing the mood stabilizer and staying positive until I have a reason not to.

In the Wind

Christmas Eve peace- in the women’s department of Walmart

I am thrilled to be with my mom this Christmas in a place that is familiar and safe. No matter how great the surrounds may be, anxiety doesn’t take a holiday.

I woke feeling restless, attributing it to getting too much sleep. (Yes, my body is that sensitive to sleep patterns.) the feeling just grew, even as I went for a walk and then went amongst the crowds at a couple of stores. There was no pressure because I have nothing to buy, but I’d felt a crushing weight of tension all morning.

Then, in the deserted section of women’s clothing at Walmart, I was able to relax. My sidekick had stayed in the car, there was no pressure to keep an eye on her or entertain her, and I actually stopped to take a few breaths. It was short lived and so bizarre. As I walked (a bit slower) back to the car, the anxiety built once again.

On the way back to the house, I took my second anxiety pill. I still have a pounding heart, just feel sleepy now.

Holidays and anxieties are just another part of the bipolar world.

In the Wind

Love

I’ve been trying to write a post for over a week now about the love of a person with bipolar. So far, the best things I’ve come up with are “damned if we don’t love BIG” and love is finicky (“liable to sudden and unpredictable change”), but our brains and probably our entire lives are finicky!

Love, deep and abiding, safe and secure, the kind that gently tears down walls, is exactly the kind of love we bipolars need. I’ve had to face my own reality: I could give tons and tons of love, but had no idea how to accepted it. I’m still trying. I’m trying to look at the unconditional loves in my life and accept them as that- unconditional. The world of being loved isn’t a scary place, even though that’s how I’ve seen it. It’s amazing to not have to hide behind such a tough and silly wall. It’s freeing.

Maybe you need to try it, because I promise, there is someone out there that wants to love you like that.

In the Wind