Life has gone on

Life doesn’t stop for anything.

It’s been almost a month since I’ve made an entry. No excuses and I let myself down as well, because I feel like this blog is important to my own growth and learning. I’ve had few med changes and was doing ok for a few weeks. Then the insurance company and pharmacy conspired against me (not really but that’s how it felt) and I missed about seven days of my new med. That landed me in the hospital for four days.

A mental hospital is nothing like they are portrayed in the movies and on TV.  It feels safe most of the time and the group activities are very helpful if you put yourself out there. The people there are mostly normal with a bit of a setback in their lives. Those who are really in trouble also get the help they need.

This was my first visit in four years. It helped me. I’m back on schedule with my meds. The only problem is that both times I’ve discharged, I felt extremely fragile and delicate. I’ve had anxiety about leaving my house and driving. I feel very socially awkward. I don’t know how to make these feelings go away.

My new medication gives me akathisia, which is very uncomfortable. I try going outside, watching tv shows, I’ve even tried taking a walk (didn’t go very well with my need to stay in my house). Feeling like you constantly need to do something but not knowing what (add the addition of a bit of agoraphobia) makes life very unsettled. I sleep as late as I can in the morning to kill time. It’s not a great plan.

The question my pdoc will ask is if I need to go off the new stuff. Is the akathisia bad enough to change medications again? I don’t know the answer, I do know I’m very uncomfortable though. Is this side effect worth changing an antidepresson that seems to have helped me? 

Either way, I’ve been reminded that life marches on. The four days in the hospital will never be returned to me. The days I struggle with side effects do finally end around bedtime. 

This has been a bunch of rambling. My posts used to be lovely and used to have points. It has devolved into a type of therapy for me. I wish my thoughts weren’t so scattered. I used to have a beautiful mind. Not so much now, in my opinion at least. I prided myself on words, writing, a quick wit, being able to speak well. That’s all been affected by my disorder or the medications I take.

I’m tired. I’m medicated. I have new fears and phobias. I’m saddled with a mental disorder. Life goes on.

Ps. Not going to edit. It will be a reflection of how I’m functioning now.

In the Wind